Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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