I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
