Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
