He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
