Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
