New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
