I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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