I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
