phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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