Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
