Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
