Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
