if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
