She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
