I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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