I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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