This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
