My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
