i jhust puked up my retainher.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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