hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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