can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
