The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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