I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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