i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
