Pappa wants mamma naked
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
