My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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