Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
