Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
