i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
