I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
