So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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