I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
