dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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