Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
