You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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