R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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