I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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