I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
