I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
