I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
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It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
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Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?