Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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