Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
