its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
