She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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