Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
