You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
