dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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