remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
