I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
