went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
