you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
