is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
