i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
