think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
