I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize