Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
my poor anus
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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